I was her knight in shining armor, till she hit me - Rethinking love after an abusive relationship

I am shaking as I write. It is a difficult experience to share, but I have motivated myself to do this. We go back to my teens when I fell in love. I knew a girl who was being tortured and was extremely disturbed in her relationship. She seemed so helpless that she wasn’t even smiling like the person I knew she was. She was always a good friend of mine and I gave her a shoulder to lean on and vent it all out, in other words, I helped her move on. Gradually, I found myself falling in love with her. Over time, I expressed my love for her and then we were in a fine relationship. Our families knew each other, we were good friends and we belonged to the same community. Everything was perfect.As all couples, we too had our arguments but we always made up. She began attending college and I had just started working. Work was extremely busy for me and it was very difficult to spare time due to the distance between her place of stay, location of my office and her college. Time seemed to be running away from me, yet I made sure I found a place close to her house so that I could be with her as much as possible.  Things got so hectic that there was a time I used to travel about 32-35 kms one way to meet her every single day. My salary wasn’t anything and I could hardly afford the travel, yet, I was very happy.That wasn’t for very long. The down-spiral began when simple issues led to crazy fights – lack of time on my part, reaching home late, feeling tired because of the travel and wanting to sleep early and of course, her issues in college.Now when I look back, it seems like I was an anger-venting machine.

The venting hardly remained just verbal. I was slapped, hit on my back, hit on my head, verbally abused and even slippered on many occasions.

All this was only because I was hard pressed for time. But here I was, dumb enough to go back, give her a hug and apologize, taking all the blame on myself.I had no support from her. I was spending most of my earnings on her.

On many days, I was having only one meal a day which was the free lunch we got at office, just so that I could save money to spend on her.  When I couldn’t do so, our fights would begin again. The pain used to be very difficult to manage.

I remember how once, I wandered off on my bike and just stayed away because I couldn’t handle it. But I ended returning to her.One Sunday I had promised to take her out for lunch, but I couldn’t make it. This led to another one of our crazy fights. I just couldn’t take it. I was driven to a point where I went to the kitchen, picked up a knife and threatened to hurt myself if she did not stop. She didn’t stop.

I cut myself behind my right knee and lay in a pool of blood.

As she sat in a state of shock, I pulled out cotton, controlled the bleeding, got myself to the hospital, got stitched up and continued my daily routine as usual.I had reached my breaking point. I wanted to call this off and yet I did not have the courage to tell her. I immaturely devised some tactics with my friends to make her feel I had broken her trust. She called off the relationship.I cannot believe our relationship lasted 3 years with this torture. I am still shaking as I write this, still going back to that experience. I felt motivated to write share my story to help others experiencing the same. We are all individuals who have come into this world by ourselves. There really is no need and at no point should we give everything we have while ignoring our own happiness for another.

There is no point in repeatedly going through insult and abuse. That sort of a relationship should not be experienced by anybody.

At this point, I am happy that an year later she has accepted her mistake and apologized to me. It makes me feel good, I feel like I found closure. And right now it makes me feel even better to have spoken out. I have never been able to talk to anyone about this, and I am thankful for the space.